Lost things FOUND=Rejoicing!

On April 4th I went inside the grocery store for the first time in over 3 weeks.  For a month I had been without flour because the kids went on a cookie baking spree the weekend before the pandemic hit.  Therefore, we were completely out. I really wasn’t worried since we don’t have to have it to live but simply for the reason of not being able to get something typically readily available...it became a continual hunt.  Each week when I’d schedule our grocery pickup it continued to be out of stock.  I checked at our smaller store and...NONE.  I checked in our neighboring town...OUT!  I looked on amazon...way too pricy!  In my kid’s lifetime or mine for that matter there hasn’t been a moment when a staple pantry item wasn’t available for a month.  So I went into yet another grocery store after our Saturday bike ride today.  I left Keith and the kids in the car and volunteered as tribute to go in.  I had a mission that was two fold...flour and eggs.  I wanted to be able to make our Easter tea cake cookies as we always do.  I wanted to not miss this one part of our usual life and fun.  The pandemic was taking some things from us but I didn’t want it to be this too.  I went in and instantly it was different.  

People in masks.

Signs for 6’ social distancing on the floor.

Nobody looking anybody in the eye.

  

I found the baking aisle and sighed because it was wiped out 4 shelves high.  I saw the signs that were saying only 2 per person.  I walked all the way to the end and then leaned down to look on the bottom shelf...there were 3 bags!  I grabbed my 2 and actually got teary.  I became emotional as I realized something we were wanting was found.  Something that we needed was in my grasp.  I triumphantly walked toward the eggs and saw yet another sign that said “Limit 1 per person.”  So I grabbed my egg carton but paused as I looked at the food that was now being rationed per customer.  It felt surreal to see the limits on something that all my life was available in abundance.  I got teary again.

I headed to check out touching as few things as possible and staying a social distance away from everyone.  I was thinking of how life was so different from just a month ago.  How many things I’ve taken for granted.  How my ability to endure “hard” circumstances have mostly had a deadline or an end in sight.  

This does not.

This is unknown.

Our world is changing.

As I left the grocery store almost in tears because of the feelings of change, but not really certain what that means in our life, in our years, in our future...I walked toward the car where my husband and children were waiting.  I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for my items in my bag and the 4 people in the car waiting for me.  I glanced at the back window through my tears and saw 3 kids pushing to see out of the same window looking at me.  They were waiting to see if I had what I went in for.  They were waiting to see if what we couldn’t find was found.  I valiantly held up my grocery bag with 2 bags of flour...

And they cheered.

They smiled.

They rejoiced.

It made me laugh and cry at the same time.  I’m not entirely sure they even know what all we normally use flour for but they were in this with me.  They realized something we needed wasn’t available.  And when it was found they rejoiced and I wept.

I have not known rationing and limits per customer in grocery items.  

They do.

They understand stories that my grandparents told me better than I do.

Is it the same when I run to God. I bet it’s kind of like my kids rejoicing over flour but many times more.  He rejoices.  He smiles.  He provides what I need.  When one of us is found, He rejoices over the one lost sheep.  I just have to turn to Him to see it.  

I got the flour but what I actually acquired was perspective.  A little more like God’s.  He is in this with me.  He rejoices when I return to Him.  He weeps with me.  He rejoices with me.  He is enough.  Flour or not.  The “what ifs” and “whys” remain unknown, but God is known.  My future and the picture I had in my mind is changing, but God doesn’t change.  He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow...pandemic or not.  

Luke 15:3-7

Then Jesus told them a parable:  “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the 99 in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home.  Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

19 Years 09/09/19

September 9, 2019 was 19 years married to my best friend.  There's no one I'd rather share my life with than you.

I remember the first few weeks when things began to change between us...the looks, the conversations and the butterflies.  The butterflies were the most surprising and the way I felt when you held my hand.  Hard to believe that was 19+ years ago.  You have truly been my best friend for a long time, life before "us" seems so distant.  To be able to walk by you and watch you become a man before my eyes-the man of my dreams!

You are strong, steady and lead our family to be better.  You see things for what they could be and you keep us full of adventure...

It was fun when we were young and now we're older,
Those days when we were broke in California (Vancouver)
We were up and down and barely made it over...
But I'd go back and ride the roller coaster.



It was fun we were young and now we're older,
Those days that were the worst, they seem to glow now
we were up and down and barely made it over...
but I'd go back and ride that roller coaster with you."
(Rollercoaster-Jonas Brothers)

I will continue to ride this roller coaster with you...I know more high high and low lows are coming--but I'll ride with you forever.  My yes to you 19 years ago still a strong yes everyday-I love you.
You make my head spin, my heart race and at times my blood boil...and I love you more today than I did back then--it's just richer, deeper, more intimate now.

I could not ask for more

Making the Most of My Moments

There are some moments that make you think about your life.  

Think about the people you love.

Think about the things you have experienced.

We had a moment like that recently.  

On a trans-america flight with Handsome K, with our kids at home with someone else, we had that kind of moment.  It’s hard to know what you will actually do, how you will respond, and what you will feel until you are there.  Until you are in that kind of moment that you aren’t sure you will see through to the other side on this Earth.  

We were just watching our in flight movie about an hour from touch down…when the moment began.  In an instant we quickly realized there was nothing in our control to do but wait.  The plane bounced with turbulence, the movie went black and the oxygen masks fell down in front of us.  It took a second to realize what happened, it was a confusing second.  I only had time to think, when is someone going to say “oops that was an accident, someone hit the wrong button.” 

But that didn’t happen. 

The flight crew begin to say what those of us who fly have heard so many times about putting the mask on, pull tight, cover your nose and mouth…the stewardess walked quickly down the plane only once saying over and over make sure you cover you nose and mouth.

I thought to myself, I’m not sure how to do this…why didn’t I listen a little better in all those safety briefings.  I looked at Handsome K and only wanted to kiss him, but the whole mask situation made that impossible so I grabbed his hand.

The airplane was still and people were quiet.  I looked down the aisle and saw worry and fear in the eyes of my fellow passengers…I know they saw that in my eyes too.

We were descending and our ears were definitely letting us know we were moving through the altitude quickly.

I looked at Handsome K’s eyes and tears began to stream down my cheeks.  We held hands tightly.  He gave me a look, similar to the look he gave me back in college when I was scared to go down my first black ski slope…the you can do this, take a deep breath look.  The don’t loose it, it won’t change anything look.

The captain informed us that the airplane has lost cabin pressure and we were descending to get to a safe altitude, he said we were close and told us he was in contact with someone (I can’t remember who) to determine if we needed to land or if we could make it to Atlanta.

Things he DID NOT say: everything is alright, no need to worry, we will be fine, I know exactly what caused this, this happens all the time, we can safely land…

I began to shake, all over. Still gripping Keith’s hand.  I thought about how my kids would hear about this.  I wanted the kids to not just hear that my plane went down and we died, I had a desperate feeling to communicate with them one more time yet I couldn’t.  What is the point when you try to send a goodbye video?  

Though I felt out of control I wasn’t scared of my fate, I know Jesus and that means that when I tried to talk to Him in the moment I just felt peace but basically prayed, “God I don’t know what to say. Intervene. Protect my kids.”

We simultaneously grabbed our phones…I felt a bit desperate to communicate something that could be shared with our kids.   I typed “MO” then decided no probably not Mom…and then decided to text my dear friend some pretty confusing disturbing texts because they weren’t sending in the right order.  Handsome K was trying to open up his map to figure out where we were.  I sent a silent disturbing video that I wasn’t sure would send to some friends but couldn’t say anything.  I text my flight number, told my friend that she was my phone a friend that we had lost cabin pressure and if needed tell the kids we love them.  I text our babysitter simply asking about the day and to tell the kids I love them to the moon later they may realize these were my last words to them.  I had no idea if any of these text were going to make it through.  

Then I got a text back from our kids, “they said to tell you they love you to the moon and around the sun because that’s farter.”

I continued to cry and shake.

I wondered if someone was going to get up and start going crazy from anxiety…I looked down the aisle again, a few others looked like they’d been crying too.

Finally, the captain spoke and said we had reached a safe altitude that we could take off the masks. Then the stewardess, a sweet older lady with a thick southern accent, was saying “honey it’s ok, you can take off the mask.”  I wasn’t sure I wanted to…what if it wasn’t really safe.  She’s also paid to be calm, but I’m sure she was freaking out inside.

They said we were going to go on to Atlanta to land, which was our destination so it seemed that we were not in an emergency state anymore…but nobody was reassuring us that we were in the clear.  The people sitting beside the window had the shade down, and I so desperately wanted to see how dire the situation as we approached landing.  Did we have what we needed to land?  Would they tell us if we were going to crash?  What are the rules of the airlines?  

In the end, we were just fine and when our wheels touched down the entire plane let out the tension we had all experienced and applauded!  People immediately started talking and I knew that I was definitely not alone in the feeling of being out of control and thinking thoughts of the end of life.

I wasn’t scared for my future, just desperate to communicate something to my kids.  I didn’t really know what to think or how to feel.  My body responded through tears and shaking…I think because I was out of control and the unknown left in this life.  I know that Jesus died for me on the cross in my place for the forgiveness of my sins.  My belief that He is the sacrifice in my place began a relationship between God and I years ago.  I am confident of this and sure of what happens when I die.  

I know all of our days are numbered before one of them came to be.  I want my life to count to advance the gospel.  Am I living my moments with purpose and intention?  Am I living for something other than my own comfort and security?  

I want my moments to count…in what really was about 45 minutes of unknown I am thankful that I am certain of some things in my life.  I want to give my life away in the moments left on earth.  

God, teach me what that looks like and how to live my moments for Your Glory.

"Whatever you do, do everything for God's glory."  I Corinthians 10:31