Marriage...in song (the first 14 years)

Our Marriage in Song-the first 14 years... I've been working on this blog the longest of any yet...This started on a long drive as I was the only one choosing the music and in any good "girl" fashion began to remember things of the past due to the music played. Since that day, I've been working through this in my mind in an attempt to portray an overview of the best timeline of our marriage in song. Now, I will put out there that it's not for the faint of heart, for I seek to be honest. A disclaimer, there is no completely perfect song where every line and stanza is exactly us, therefore I am pulling out the appropriate verses and lyrics to match each year of our marriage.  My songs are all over the board of type of music...but the lyrics won me. Happy 14th anniversary Handsome K, consider this my e-card! Yr 0-2. Not a lot of money, but lots of mountain bike rides and stove top stuffing.  Once a young guy in Texas about to finish college read these lyrics to a young doe-eyed girl living in far from home, in Georgia, over the phone that actually plugged into the wall.  That young girl hung up the phone and sat in the middle of her bed and said aloud to herself, "He LOVES ME!"  My life has forever changed since that moment.  Living on love and not much else, without community or family nearby our first years we relied on each other a lot.  I believe this developed us well beyond just the best friends that we had been for 4 years but developed our oneness in an accelerated pace.  Our early years of marriage (while working on our graduate degrees) weren't glamorous but they were fun and carefree and life shaping.  Here's "our" song.  I could not ask for more (Edwin McCain) Lying here with you  Listening to the rain  Smiling just to see the smile upon your face  These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive  These are the moments I'll remember all my life  I found all I've waited for  And I could not ask for more  Looking in your eyes  Seeing all I need  Everything you are is everything to me  These are the moments  I know heaven must exist  These are the moments I know all I need is this  I have all I've waited for  And I could not ask for more  I could not ask for more than this time together  I could not ask for more than this time with you  Every prayer has been answered  Every dream I have's come true  And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be  Here with you here with me  These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive  These are the moments I'll remember all my life  I've got all I've waited for  And I could not ask for more  Yr 2-3. I'm pretty sure we believed we could take on the world and do anything with God and each other.  The world felt huge and ripe with opportunity.  We were far from our homeland but close in our hearts; learning the beauty of each other's vulnerable soft underbelly.  The place we only share with each other.  Sweet.  Vulnerable. Never change a thing. World traveler (andrew peterson) ...I had hardly seen a thing Until I gave that golden ring To the one who gave her heart to me And I became a world traveler That's the day I hit the road I walked the hills of the human soul Of a tender girl I'm a world traveler She opened the gate and took my hand Led me into the mystic land Where her galaxies swirl So many mysteries I never will unravel I want to travel the world Oh, I'm a world traveler Pack your bags and dig down deep Ride the storms and sail the seas To the distant pole I'm a world traveler Into these uncharted lands To blaze a trail in the vast expanse Of the heart and soul In the grace of the God of peace Let's wade into the battle So come on, come on with me And get up in that saddle There's a million mysteries I'm ready to unravel Come on, let's travel the world Yr. 3-4. Life is so rich, loving you.  I didn't know that love could go so deep and be so true and safe.  You have taught me about unconditional love, my attraction for you goes deeper than you being my tall dark and handsome.  Your heart and your mind draw me in and I want nothing more than to move through life by your side...whatever life brings, wherever God takes us. I melt (Rascal Flatts) I melt every time you look at me that way  It never fails, anytime, any place  This burn in me is the coolest thing I've ever felt  I melt  Don't know how you do it  I love the way I lose it, every time  What's even better  Is knowing that forever you're all mine  The closer you get, the more my body aches  One little stare from you is all it takes  I melt. Yr. 4-5. Serving, loving, graduate degrees, moving, leaving friends, being away from family...all is way better and much much more fun with you.  The scenery changed, where we call home changed, our community was far away and God reminded us how special what we have is, what He had given us.  We lived and breathed the same air most of our days and shared in joys and sorrows together.  We had few worries and almost no heavy responsibilities in our life. I will be here (Stephen Curtis Chapman) Tomorrow morning if you wake up And the sun does not appear I... I will be here If in the dark we lose sight of love Hold my hand and have no fear 'Cause I... I will be here I will be here When you feel like being quiet When you need to speak your mind I will listen And I will be here When the laughter turns to crying Through the winning, losing and trying We'll be together 'Cause I will be here Tomorrow morning if you wake up And the future is unclear I... I will be here As sure as seasons are made for change Our lifetimes are made for years So I... I will be here I will be here And you can cry on my shoulder When the mirror tells us we're older I will hold you And I will be here To watch you grow in beauty And tell you all the things you are to me I will be here, hmmm I will be true to the promise I have made To you and to the One who gave you to me Yr. 5-6 Hit the 5 year mark, found out we are expecting our first child, a boy!  Life is moving along and there's nobody I'd like to be on this ride with except for you.  You intrigue me with your vision and desire to live life way above the norm, you push me to be a better person.  It's been just you and me for years, the baby just enhanced my love for you.  Part of me and part of you, a lot of God's work.  You talk about starting new things and reaching more college students for Jesus.  You're a dreamer and I love you.  Some tough times with job and people, but you kept on.  You are a fighter for your dreams, the vision that God has burned into you. You've got a friend (James Taylor) You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, you've got a friend. If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds and that old north wind should begin to blow, keep your head together and call my name out loud. Soon I will be knocking upon your door. You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there. Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold. They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them, oh yeah, but don't you let them. Yr. 6-7. A baby and headed into big transitions with ministry.  When life's unknowns and stresses heated up we had trouble being on the same team together...we remembered our early years and knew we'd always be there for each other, our safe place was threatened but our love and commitment were strong.  We were about to enter the hardest 1 1/2 years of our marriage.  Being married is the hardest BEST thing we've ever done.  I'd rather do it with you than anyone in the entire world.  You have brought me on a great adventure with risk and unknowns that I wouldn't have dared to approach, your faith has changed me and the course of my life with Jesus for the better. Dancing in the minefields (andrew peterson) We went dancing in the minefields We went sailing in the storm And it was harder than we dreamed But I believe that's what the promise is for "I do" are the two most famous last words The beginning of the end But to lose your life for another I've heard Is a good place to begin 'Cause the only way to find your life Is to lay your own life down And I believe it's an easy price For the life that we have found And we're dancing in the minefields We're sailing in the storm This is harder than we dreamed But I believe that's what the promise is for So when I lose my way, find me When I loose love's chains, bind me At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days When I forget my name, remind me 'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man So there's nothing left to fear So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands Till the shadows disappear 'Cause he promised not to leave us And His promises are true So in the face of all this chaos, baby, I can dance with you! Yr. 7-8. We made some unfortunate patterns in the midst of the hardest season of our marriage...new church, new stress, new baby, new expectations and role changes...learning how to be husband and wife with clearer healthier defined roles the hard way.  Going in and out of being roommates and confidants, we were still each other's favorite, just harsh toward each other and allowing a seed of bitterness to grow a little.  Some things changed and I learned to love you no matter what and expect nothing in return.  Not a martyr just more like Jesus.  Loving even when its not recognized or met with a soft word is what you did toward me, taught me to love like Jesus.  I wanted so much of what we'd had in the past, believed in the security that you provided but also prayed for my heart to be transformed. Help me remember (rascal flats) Help me remember The way that we used to be When nothing else mattered "cause you were lovin' me Just for the night, one last time One more good memory When I look back That's what I wanna see Oh, help me remember Those days that were so good Those nights that we held Held on forever When we weren't pretenders We were as real as we felt Oh, I don't want to fight anymore Don't want the last thing I hear tonight To be a slammin' door Baby, let it be like before Water runs dry (Boyz 2 Men, don't judge haha) Now they can see the tears in our eyes But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide Cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart Why do we hurt each other Why do we push love away Let's don't wait till the water runs dry We might watch our whole lives pass us by Let's don't wait till the water runs dry We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives Yr. 8-9. We're running toward each other, remembering what it's suppose to be about...desire and love and attraction never left, they were just underneath a bunch of other things.  Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm so in love with you.  The Lord has broken me, I think I will always fight the same battles until Glory.  You are steadfast, a man of integrity, my favorite...loving me even when you see my ugly cry, cries revealing our hatred toward sin. Come On get higher (Matt Nathanson) If I could walk on water If I could tell you what's next I'd make you believe I'd make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love I miss the sound of your voice Loudest thing in my head And I ache to remember All the violent, sweet Perfect words that you said 'Cause everything works, love Everything works in your arms. Closer to love-matt Kearney Where we could feel the storm blowin' down with the wind And don't apologize For all the tears you've cried You've been way too strong now for all your life I'm gonna get there soon, You're gonna be there too Cryin' in your room, Prayin' Lord come through We're gonna get there soon Oh, it's your light Oh, it's your way Pull me out of the dark Just to show me the way Cryin' out now From so far away... Pull me closer to love Closer to love Yr. 9-10. A decade of marriage...so much to be thankful for!  Aside from my confidence in my relationship with Jesus, there isn't anything Earthly that I'm sure about like I am us.  You are one of the most steady people I know.  You don't quit no matter what...you are a truth teller and I love to hate it sometimes, but you have lead us deeper in love and in this pursuit of living like Christ.  2 babies now, and we run off to Maui, you spoiled me.  We are more in love than we thought possible, walking side by side again.  Learning what it means to be husband and wife...should we already know this?  I'll spend the rest of my life figuring it out with you.  Found out we're expecting #3 right after our trip, there is no one on earth I'd rather do this thing called marriage with but YOU!  I'm yours.  Forever. I'm yours (Jason Marz) Before the cool dawn run out I'll be giving it my bestest And nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention. I reckon, it's again my turn To win some or learn some. I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer But my breath fogged up the glass And so I drew a new face and I laughed. But I won't hesitate No more, no more. It cannot wait, I'm yours. Yr. 10-11. We might not understand each other completely, but I think you are amazing!  Had our 3rd, a delightful surprise--a baby boy, life is full.  Our church has had some babies as well.  Some falling down and scrapping our knees in the metaphorical sense.  It's a weight to bear and you bear it so well.  You lead with passion and I pray our boys grow up to be just like their daddy....men of integrity, passion, purity.  I pray our daughter marries a man of character like her daddy.  My love for you is easy, constant, and I'm seeing the world through our kids eyes now.  Thankful they have a man in their life that I can say, "Follow Him, He'll lead you to Jesus."  Your example of love is huge.  We weathered this newborn the best yet together...that's attributed to God transforming our hearts and minds.  I'm thankful for where we are and look forward to the next 50 years. Amazing (josh kelley) You paint a picture on the wall  Cause you've got a lot to tell me  But you don't think you could say it better oh baby So come on let me see I say baby you are amazing  I want to let you see  That you are everything and more to me  I will let you be I will I will Cause I saw you walking down the hall  And I had a lot to tell you  But I didn't think you could say it better oh baby Cause I'm dancing around  In your world of play I'm takin my time to make sure you stay  I would give my life to make it okay yeah So come on let me see... Yr. 11-12. Sweet, harmony, bringing out the best in each other...safe place.  Parenting is a full time job, we are running this race quickly and yet at times it seems like a marathon, that I never want to end.  In fact, you cheered me on in my first Tri and I cheered you on in your 204 mile bike ride.  The discipline and drive you have for life was exhibited for our kids to see; every mile we drove to meet you from Seattle to Portland.  We've been learning about how we relate to others and how our personalities relate to the world. I'm a Feeler, you're a thinker.  Rejoice in our differences...pretty sure that's what we were told before we were wed.  Your excitement and desire for fun makes our family way more fun.  I'm so in love with you and it just keeps getting better. Smile (Uncle Kracker)                              You're better than the best I'm lucky just to linger in your light Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right) Completely unaware Nothing can compare to where you send me It lets me know that it's okay (yeah, it's okay) And the moments when my good times start to fade You make me smile like the sun, Fall outta bed Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night You make me dance like a fool, Forget how to breathe Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee Just the thought of you can drive me wild Oh, you make me smile Even when you're gone Somehow you come along Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack And just like that You steal away the rain And just like that You make me smile Don't know how I lived without you 'Cause every time that I get around you I see the best of me inside your eyes Just the thought of you can drive me wild Oh, you make me smile Yr. 12-13. We've gotten in a melodic rhythm in our life...welcome after so many years with big changes. What will God do in the coming years. We often say how much we love the family God has given us. Our kids, their unique personalities...our daily life, our community of friends...we are richly blessed with those things you cannot touch and those are my favorite.  Authentic, love.  You push me to see ministry opportunities that you believe I have before me.  You push me to view the world with lenses not like my own.  Your belief in me gives me the encouragement to move mountains...starting with the three little impressionable hearts in our home.  We have the blessed privilege to share some of what god has been doing on the Palouse with people beyond the Palouse....it's a humble journey and my heart explodes as I walk beside you doing what you were called to do. We are living the dream; you have made my dreams come true...old and new dreams.  I remember walking with two couples (10+ years ago) who had just gotten engaged. They were touchy and cute...we had been married about 3 years. I asked you as we walked behind them if you miss that giddy feeling of the beginning.  You stopped me, turned me to you and said, "I still have those feelings for you, they are just deeper and more intimate...I wouldn't want to go back because I wouldn't want to trade the intimacy we have now for that."  It just keeps getting better doesn't it?  And I love it.  Then (Brad Paisley) I remember trying not to stare when I first met you, you had me mesmerized. And three weeks (3 years for us) later in the front porch light taking 45 minutes to say goodnight. I hadn't told you yet but I thought I loved you then But now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world And I just can't believe the way I feel about you Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been We've come so far since that day and I thought I loved you then I can see you with our baby on the way I can see you when your hair is turning gray What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more But I've said that before We'll look back someday at this moment that we're in And I'll look at you and say, "and I thought I loved you then." Yr. 13-14. I'm thankful you see the importance of spending time with our kids individually and all together as a family. You make our life fun and exciting.  You desire to bring us along with you if possible to the places your job takes you. What memories we've created this year!  You are a wonderful dad to our growing children and you loving them means so much to their confidence and security...you have no idea.  You are so amazingly attractive to me, not only my tall,dark handsome but the spiritual leader in our family that I prayed for since my late teen years. (Prayers I prayed probably even sitting right beside you at some point when we were In college and not knowing that God would answer my heart's desire with you!) You lead our family wisely through big decisions, we began building a house this year. With God's grace, we stayed on the same team throughout the long and at times difficult process. Another thing I begged God for before I was married...that I would trust my husband's relationship with you as my own.  We are one in so many ways and this isn't lacking in our relationship with God. I remember the first time I told you that I trusted your relationship with God. It was a big deal to me that day and it still is.  I'll follow you anywhere because I know you'll only take us where God leads us.  The only one and only you (Stephen Curtis Chapman) You're better than a Beethoven symphony And Mona Lisa wishes she could be a masterpiece like you More than any Michelangelo when I look at you I know You are the only one and only you There is music in your laughter the world has never heard before You came and brought a melody The way you see it the way you say it When your sad and glad and so much more All these gifts only you can bring... Wonderfully carefully woven together by God's own hand You are the only one and only you Handsome K, You are my favorite, Thank you Jesus for my husband, the father of our children, the man who desires to lead like you do.  Happy 14th anniversary (09/09/14)....I could not ask for more!

PERFECTION-the bar is high

Last year, as Little K was in 2nd grade and getting red marks (or lack thereof) on his papers telling how smart he is, I noticed that I came to expect him to get nothing wrong.  To be perpetually perfect.

Now, this isn't something I said out loud, and quite frankly his actual "grades" don't yet matter, as long as he's learning right??  But I began to see myself expect perfection.  This hit me the first time he didn't get all his spelling words right...I expected perfection.

Woah.

As a parent I should expect his best efforts and challenge him to do his best in all things...but I really expected him to be capable of perfection every time.  Is this wrong?

I wrestled with this for awhile, trying to decide if I liked that I expected perfection or if I shouldn't.

I expected perfection.

But God commands us, "Be perfect because I am perfect." (Matthew 5:48)

Hmmm.  What to do with that?

So what do I do in the gap between "be perfect" and my guaranteed inability to reach that standard this side of Heaven.

God never sells the vision for my life short.  I never sell the vision for Little K's life short, we practice and learn 10 words and I push him to learn 2 bonus words too.   I know he's capable of more so I push him to this standard.

This is where God has brought me...the standard is perfection, this standard never changes...it's what I do with grace when the standard isn't met.  Ah yes.  That's the secret, God's standard IS perfection but when we don't live up to perfect, He is gracious.  He is not condemning or shaming or guilt inducing.

So the standard for Little K is perfection, 10/10, 100%...but when he doesn't meet that standard can I respond with grace and encouragement and love.  That's what God does every day toward me.

Grace.

I don't deserve it.

God's standard for me is holiness and perfection, God doesn't say 7/10 is ok, he is just gracious with me when I come in under the standard.  Therefore I wasn't wrong in my standard for Little K being perfect, I was only wrong if I were to shame or reticule him for not being perfect.

Interesting because wouldn't we all just go for less than perfect if that wasn't the standard.  I guess I agree that God is pretty smart and all knowing and stuff because He knows human nature and it would be in us to just strive to hit the mark not exceed it.

So the bar is high.

The standard is perfection...I love when God teaches me truth through simple everyday things like my 2nd graders spelling tests.

Thank you for expecting perfection and giving me the example of Jesus to strive to be like.  To be holy and blameless and perfect.  Thank you Jesus for grace when I don't measure up to the standard set before me.

GRACE-God is always looking out for me

I recently experienced God's grace first hand...you know the kind...the kind you don't deserve, the kind that you feel utterly speechless and thankful for when you see it displayed...wait, that's always God's desire with His grace.

I don't deserve it.

I don't even yet expect it, even though it's God's nature.  That's just how God is.  He cannot be any other way but gracious!

So this past Spring, I had one of those failures that I wasn't sure Little K would recover from without God's grace for my less than perfect response.  My heart ached for what I thought I had hurt.

Each evening at dinner we talk to God and thank Him for our food, family, the day, really whatever the one praying wants to say to God...I usually ask different family members to thank God, to pray.

Little K was in a short habit of praying the kind of prayer that goes like this, "Thanks for everybody everywhere and our all our food, and all the people in our family.  Amen."

Kind of quick and half-hearted by my judgement and not meaningful and real.  So I observed.

After about the 3rd time, I said something to the tune of...instead of being meaningless think about what you are saying to God, think about your words, don't say things out of habit.  It would be weird if when you were talking to me you said the exact same things every time.  Put some thought into it.

I felt like I had explained the personal part of prayer and Handsome K chimed in and together we "taught" about meaningful prayer for about 3 minutes and then we ate dinner.

For the next week or so, Little K NEVER said yes to praying, but said he didn't want to and someone else would pipe up and fill in.

One evening at bedtime I asked Little K about his denial of praying...it hit me like a ton of bricks when Little K said he didn't want to because mommy and daddy had said he was doing it wrong.

My conscientious perfectionist.

I can still get teary thinking of this mistake of my judgment and not letting kids be kids.  Where was the grace, I was expecting him to talk to God like a grown up.  God says, "Let the little children come to me."  I got in the way of Little K going to God like a little child should be free to do.  I stunted his desire.

Of course laying in his bed when we talked, I apologized for what I had said making him feel like he was doing it all wrong.  I brought it up again the next day and he said, "Mom it's ok, we already talked about this."  I talked to God about it a lot the next week.  I asked God to give grace where I judged Little K's heart.  I asked God to mend what I felt like I had broken.  I thought I had royally screwed up Little K's desire to pray.  It was very sensitive for me to talk about.

During that week, I was with Handsome K and our married church staff away on a marriage retreat.  Both Handsome K and my good friend encouraged me as I felt so low about this.  We prayed and hoped and believed that God would restore Little K's confidence that I felt I had shattered.

The first dinner after we were back, I hesitantly said, "Little K will you pray?"

He looked at me across the table, as his face lit up and said, "Yes mom, I will pray!"  He smiled a smile that to me said a paragraph of forgiveness and courage and confidence.

He proceeded to pray the most beautiful, heartfelt prayer I have ever heard (or so it felt at that moment).

I'm teary as I write this because this is God's grace.  Letting me see that my quick judgment of my son's heart and the damage I thought I caused was covered with God's grace.  God protected and restored Little K's desire to pray.

Fully.

Completely.

That's what God's grace does.

Thank you God for your grace, I need it daily in life and while attempting to mold the little hearts in my home.  It restore and protects and forgives.