I'm finding out...

Here are some things I'm finding out, in no particular order...

I'm finding out that my parents probably knew most of their Christmas presents before they opened them.

I'm finding out that making time to be intentional takes being intentional with your time.

I'm finding out that living as an imitator of God doesn't come natural when a whiny 3 year old doesn't like the position of her blanket covering her feet. 

I'm finding out that 18 year old Paige didn't know quite as much about the world as she thought she did when she went to college.

I'm finding out that being a parent is the second hardest and best thing I've ever done.  (1st is marriage)

I'm finding out to pray simply...Princess K at dinner recently, "Thank you God for lipstick, letters, and underwear."

I'm finding out that I only thought life was busy and I didn't have "free time" in my 20s.

I'm finding out grown-up conversations can be hard...refinance?  buy a car?  is life fulfilling? am I living my life on purpose?  am I teaching and loving my kids well?...but the vulnerability of having these conversations with my best friend is worth it.

I'm finding out that dying to myself to live as Christ is more complex than just thinking nice thoughts about people and letting someone else go first at a 4-way stop.

I'm finding out that life really does fly by and kids really do grow so fast.

I'm finding out that my kids are always watching and listening.

I'm finding out that not knowing everything about everything is ok...we have the internet!

I'm finding out that I now know why I believed my mom when she said she had eyes in the back of her head...there's nothing new under the sun.

I'm finding out that time with friends when you have a family looks much different than it did before kids, but just as sweet when it happens.

I'm finding out that starting a church is like having another child.

I'm finding out that I have a really blessed life watching my kids grow every inch.

I'm finding out that my life is richer if I laugh alot.

I'm finding out that kids are horrible liars.

I'm finding out that going to the mailbox is more fun as a kid.

I'm finding out that life is really more than I ever imagined it to be...really.

I'm finding out that God's ways are not my ways.

Just some things I'm finding out...

Beauty in the Eye of the Creator

We were away with our church's staff, their families, and college students for a weekend retreat at a camp in the middle of nowhere central Oregon. My family as well as two of our “Fun Friend” families enjoyed the sunshine and also the ability to let our kids run free and play. During the time I was packing up our life back into the multiple bags and suitcases that had exploded over the past 3 days, Princess K runs into our room.

She is crying.

I look for blood.

She is hysterical and says with breathless sobs as she begins to take off her shoes, pants, etc...”I am not beautiful, I need my tutu.”

I relax a little for the fear of something being broken has diminished, but that fear is now being overtaken by my emotional heart. I am sad for her because in that moment she really believed that her tutu would somehow make her beautiful. I begin to talk and tell her it's not what makes her beautiful...she isn't listening but is now going through her bag to find the tutu. I realize she doesn't need me to talk, she needs a hug because in her world right then she isn't pretty. (Oh have I been there before.) I hold her and she fights me to get to the tutu...

...then she stops and melts in my arms...crying.

I stroke her hair, holding her and telling her what I always tell her in her ear, “You're precious to me,” and add on, “no matter what you are wearing.”

She calms down and I get the rest of the story...she was told she couldn't marry Little K, her big brother, because, well of course because he's her brother (which all the older kids tried to explain to her). One friend who is marriage material for Little K had a tutu on and declared herself beautiful...so what's a 3 year old to think but, “I need a tutu to be beautiful and be able to marry my brother.”

She needed that tutu NOW!

She calms down and somehow I convince her that she is beautiful without the tutu and she goes back out to join the kids who are now onto another game, long forgotten the “who's marrying who” game that tore apart Princess K's heart for a moment. She shakes it off.

Or did she.

I am a little teary-eyed as I watch her join the other kids again and think about how real her feelings are. How raw. How she really believed something that was NOT true even in the least bit. I make a mental note to make sure and whisper to her more often that God made her and thinks she's beautiful just the way she is because He sees her Heart. That I think she's beautiful just the way she is because she's made in God's image.

Not because of a tutu.

How many times do little girls hear, “You look so pretty,” when wearing a pretty dress? Countless times. Which is okay, but I have to be intentional to balance out all those sweet comments with words that encourage her in who she is, her character, her personality, her heart.

Whew!

I want more than anything to make her believe her tutu is not what makes her beautiful, I involuntarily flash forward 10 years in my mind where I depict I will have the same conversation with her again and again, just not about a tutu.

I want her to know and believe with all her heart that what's on the inside lasts, not outward beauty. That her “beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes...” (1 Peter 3:3)

I want her to know that having a heart like Jesus is what makes her beautiful. To desire one thing: “to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of her life, gazing on the beauty of the Lord and seeking Him.” (Psalm 27:4).

That is easier to say than to believe, but I will spend the rest of my parenting years trying to help her to believe it...

...and myself to.

Changes are a Comin'

Baby K is starting to break free from his swaddle.

Princess K likes to say, “I'll do it by myself mom.”

Little K told me as I walked away from his room, “Mom, you don't have to leave the hall lights on for me, I'm going right to sleep.”

Transitions.

Growing up.

Smiles.

Tears. (mine)

I know these are all little things, but they all mean that we are in forward motion...that we are changing, and each child is becoming more independent. Needing less of the comforts of the stage before. Less worried about getting help. Thankfully, I am still needed for kissing owies and giving hugs (and the less glamorous things too.) This is what we as parents want right? We want them to become self-sufficient in their hygiene and not continue to be scared of the dark. We want them to grow up.

Just not so fast.

I've been thinking lately about the realities of life. About all the things that Keith and I are sure to walk through in the next 50 years or so. Some of them will be tragic and heart-splitting, some of them will be just normal and non-emotive regular things, and some of them will be extraordinarily celebratory.

These thoughts that I'm thinking have made me ponder two things...

First...I'm so thankful to have, Keith, my best friend, the one I love beside me through what is to come, both happy and sad.

Second, seize the day.

Yep, seize it.

It may seem simple and mundane and even quite cliché, but I don't want to wish away today thinking about tomorrow. I have smiled more, and laughed more, and even slowed down and left dirty dishes in the sink longer. Instead of biding my time until “quiet/nap time” I want to embrace it. I want to cherish it.

Because one day too soon, my 3 K's will all be in school and my house will be empty during quiet time.

Everyone, and I really do mean everyone. Not in the “everybody's doing it, they have pink converse and I want them too” way, but I mean everyone who has kids further along in age then my own tells me, “enjoy this time, it goes way too fast.” I don't want to get on the other side of “this time” and wish I had cherished it more. I am just going to cherish it more.

When Little K was about 18 months old I taught him to smell flowers because otherwise he kept pulling the petals off. So he'd stop and smell flowers everywhere...weeds too. He was a fast learner and he stopped often to smell the flowers. I think of that lesson he taught me back then, take the time to smell the flowers because I started to get impatient with the thing I taught him. Then he learned to say, “mell it momma.” he wanted to share this gift with me. So...I stopped to smell them too.

Then I quit.

I'm starting again.

I'm cherishing each day as the gift God has intended it to be...like we sing every morning on the way to school, “This is the day the Lord has made, Rejoice and be Glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Rejoice and be glad in it.