June 10-11, 2015
My sweet Grandma Beth is getting ready to meet Jesus face to
face and see Papa after eleven years.
This is a mixed up sort of emotional evening. Her blood pressure if fading…increased meds
to stabilize stopped helping this evening…bp was 69/37 at 7:40pm…at 10:40pm is
was 54/29, pulse oxygen at 80…she’s leaving this world. When I think about her uncomfortable,
confused, throwing up…I’m anxious for her joy to come quickly…when I think about
her getting to fall at Jesus’ feet, I can’t even fathom. But when I think about what I felt when I’d
see my Grandma Beth’s car pull into the school circle to pick me up and take me
to ice cream or when I think about sitting on her front porch swing with her
singing kum ba yah my Lord, or when I think about her telling me “I love you a
bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck,” my heart aches. I’m just sad.
I had the privileged joy in my childhood to grow up in the same town as
one set of my grandparents. My grandma
was always present. It’s weird that Baby
K, my youngest will never remember meeting her.
Never know her. I cried when I
received word that she was being taken by ambulance to the hospital, she
couldn’t walk, her eyes were stationary and she wasn’t talking…I asked Handsome
K if this is the end? That was two days ago.
Makes me think what a vapor our lives really are. I walked in and laid my hand on each of my
kids tonight, watched them breath a few moments and prayed that I’m half the
serving, generous, loving woman my grandma was.
Prayed that my kids would know how much I love them everyday, so they
would never doubt that.
For the past three years, my Grandma has often asked,
“Where’s James?” James is my Papa, who
met Jesus 11 years ago. But when my
Grandma’s dementia would take over her safe place was where Papa was. She’s asked my mom and I’m sure everyone at
the nursing home, “Where’s James?” They
would tell her he died and she would say, “oh, ok” or “he did?” She’s never quit
asking about him. A few hours ago she
asked my Mom again, “Where’s James?” Mom
usually tells her he is gone. Tonight
she told her, “He’s at home, he will be here soon.” Mom said she just couldn’t tell her
again. We decided it’s true because Papa
is at home in Heaven and Grandma will get to see him soon.
I cried as I talked to Handsome K on the phone, seemed so
childish of me but I wanted one more time to tell my Grandma, “I love you a
bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.”
Why in the last moments would it be so comforting to say just one more
thing to those you love. I just wanted
her to know again that I love her.
Mom and I talked at 11pm tonight. Quickly.
I wanted to be with her.
Grandma’s life on earth is almost done.
Fading.
A little after midnight for me (2am in Texas) I got this
text from my mom…
“Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine”
Mother is in awe of our Heavenly Father.
She is wrapped in the arms of our
Heavenly Father. She is at peace.
And now she knows,
"Where is James?"
As soon as I saw the first line I started to cry because I
remember sitting in my grandparents dining room playing that song for Grandma
when we searched and decided songs for Papa’s funeral. I knew immediately she was gone. I read it three times and sobbed like a
baby…loud while rocking back and forth alone on my couch. I deeply love my Grandma. Her first name is Golden, and that she
was. It doesn’t seem real. I know it is.
I’m grateful that I can be joyful in where she is now…no pain, no
sorrow, no hospitals, no confusion. But
death is so final for us left here on Earth.
She is beginning the rest of her forever in the wee hours of June 11,
2015.
Do I believe we will know people in Heaven just like we do
on Earth?? Probably not because we won’t remember sin. But I choose to think about knowing people
deeply in Heaven. God made us
relational. Primarily so we can have a
relationship with Him and for Him to be glorified. My Grandma’s life glorified God.
You’re right mom, she will never again ask, “Where’s
James?”
She knows.
I choose to visualize Grandma and Papa having a cup of
coffee and singing It Is Well With my Soul together loudly praising our
Heavenly Father forever in His presence as only those in Heaven understand. While I’m back on Earth and looking forward
to the day that I can right now only imagine.
After getting back home I heard this song as if for the
first time…it is a beautiful reminder that our time on Earth is so short really
and our forever home is waiting for us.
I hold your hand and watch as
the sun slowly fades
Far in the distance the
Father is calling your name
And it’s time for you to go
home
And everything in me wants to
hold on
But I’m letting you go with
this goodbye kiss and this promise
I’ll see you in a little
while
I’ll see you in a little
while
It won’t be too long now
We’ll see it on the other
side
The wait was only the blink
of an eye
So I’m not gonna say goodbye
‘Cause I’ll see you in a
little while
Maybe you’ll teach me all the
songs they sing in heaven
Maybe you’ll show me how you
can fly
And I’ll hear you laugh again
And we won’t remember when
We were not together and this
time it’s forever
(Stephen
Curtis Chapman)
God I pray that I am a servant and love people deeply like
my Grandma did. Help me to be that with
my life…no greater joy than knowing you…in life and in death.
