Lost things FOUND=Rejoicing!

On April 4th I went inside the grocery store for the first time in over 3 weeks.  For a month I had been without flour because the kids went on a cookie baking spree the weekend before the pandemic hit.  Therefore, we were completely out. I really wasn’t worried since we don’t have to have it to live but simply for the reason of not being able to get something typically readily available...it became a continual hunt.  Each week when I’d schedule our grocery pickup it continued to be out of stock.  I checked at our smaller store and...NONE.  I checked in our neighboring town...OUT!  I looked on amazon...way too pricy!  In my kid’s lifetime or mine for that matter there hasn’t been a moment when a staple pantry item wasn’t available for a month.  So I went into yet another grocery store after our Saturday bike ride today.  I left Keith and the kids in the car and volunteered as tribute to go in.  I had a mission that was two fold...flour and eggs.  I wanted to be able to make our Easter tea cake cookies as we always do.  I wanted to not miss this one part of our usual life and fun.  The pandemic was taking some things from us but I didn’t want it to be this too.  I went in and instantly it was different.  

People in masks.

Signs for 6’ social distancing on the floor.

Nobody looking anybody in the eye.

  

I found the baking aisle and sighed because it was wiped out 4 shelves high.  I saw the signs that were saying only 2 per person.  I walked all the way to the end and then leaned down to look on the bottom shelf...there were 3 bags!  I grabbed my 2 and actually got teary.  I became emotional as I realized something we were wanting was found.  Something that we needed was in my grasp.  I triumphantly walked toward the eggs and saw yet another sign that said “Limit 1 per person.”  So I grabbed my egg carton but paused as I looked at the food that was now being rationed per customer.  It felt surreal to see the limits on something that all my life was available in abundance.  I got teary again.

I headed to check out touching as few things as possible and staying a social distance away from everyone.  I was thinking of how life was so different from just a month ago.  How many things I’ve taken for granted.  How my ability to endure “hard” circumstances have mostly had a deadline or an end in sight.  

This does not.

This is unknown.

Our world is changing.

As I left the grocery store almost in tears because of the feelings of change, but not really certain what that means in our life, in our years, in our future...I walked toward the car where my husband and children were waiting.  I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for my items in my bag and the 4 people in the car waiting for me.  I glanced at the back window through my tears and saw 3 kids pushing to see out of the same window looking at me.  They were waiting to see if I had what I went in for.  They were waiting to see if what we couldn’t find was found.  I valiantly held up my grocery bag with 2 bags of flour...

And they cheered.

They smiled.

They rejoiced.

It made me laugh and cry at the same time.  I’m not entirely sure they even know what all we normally use flour for but they were in this with me.  They realized something we needed wasn’t available.  And when it was found they rejoiced and I wept.

I have not known rationing and limits per customer in grocery items.  

They do.

They understand stories that my grandparents told me better than I do.

Is it the same when I run to God. I bet it’s kind of like my kids rejoicing over flour but many times more.  He rejoices.  He smiles.  He provides what I need.  When one of us is found, He rejoices over the one lost sheep.  I just have to turn to Him to see it.  

I got the flour but what I actually acquired was perspective.  A little more like God’s.  He is in this with me.  He rejoices when I return to Him.  He weeps with me.  He rejoices with me.  He is enough.  Flour or not.  The “what ifs” and “whys” remain unknown, but God is known.  My future and the picture I had in my mind is changing, but God doesn’t change.  He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow...pandemic or not.  

Luke 15:3-7

Then Jesus told them a parable:  “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the 99 in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home.  Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

19 Years 09/09/19

September 9, 2019 was 19 years married to my best friend.  There's no one I'd rather share my life with than you.

I remember the first few weeks when things began to change between us...the looks, the conversations and the butterflies.  The butterflies were the most surprising and the way I felt when you held my hand.  Hard to believe that was 19+ years ago.  You have truly been my best friend for a long time, life before "us" seems so distant.  To be able to walk by you and watch you become a man before my eyes-the man of my dreams!

You are strong, steady and lead our family to be better.  You see things for what they could be and you keep us full of adventure...

It was fun when we were young and now we're older,
Those days when we were broke in California (Vancouver)
We were up and down and barely made it over...
But I'd go back and ride the roller coaster.



It was fun we were young and now we're older,
Those days that were the worst, they seem to glow now
we were up and down and barely made it over...
but I'd go back and ride that roller coaster with you."
(Rollercoaster-Jonas Brothers)

I will continue to ride this roller coaster with you...I know more high high and low lows are coming--but I'll ride with you forever.  My yes to you 19 years ago still a strong yes everyday-I love you.
You make my head spin, my heart race and at times my blood boil...and I love you more today than I did back then--it's just richer, deeper, more intimate now.

I could not ask for more

Making the Most of My Moments

There are some moments that make you think about your life.  

Think about the people you love.

Think about the things you have experienced.

We had a moment like that recently.  

On a trans-america flight with Handsome K, with our kids at home with someone else, we had that kind of moment.  It’s hard to know what you will actually do, how you will respond, and what you will feel until you are there.  Until you are in that kind of moment that you aren’t sure you will see through to the other side on this Earth.  

We were just watching our in flight movie about an hour from touch down…when the moment began.  In an instant we quickly realized there was nothing in our control to do but wait.  The plane bounced with turbulence, the movie went black and the oxygen masks fell down in front of us.  It took a second to realize what happened, it was a confusing second.  I only had time to think, when is someone going to say “oops that was an accident, someone hit the wrong button.” 

But that didn’t happen. 

The flight crew begin to say what those of us who fly have heard so many times about putting the mask on, pull tight, cover your nose and mouth…the stewardess walked quickly down the plane only once saying over and over make sure you cover you nose and mouth.

I thought to myself, I’m not sure how to do this…why didn’t I listen a little better in all those safety briefings.  I looked at Handsome K and only wanted to kiss him, but the whole mask situation made that impossible so I grabbed his hand.

The airplane was still and people were quiet.  I looked down the aisle and saw worry and fear in the eyes of my fellow passengers…I know they saw that in my eyes too.

We were descending and our ears were definitely letting us know we were moving through the altitude quickly.

I looked at Handsome K’s eyes and tears began to stream down my cheeks.  We held hands tightly.  He gave me a look, similar to the look he gave me back in college when I was scared to go down my first black ski slope…the you can do this, take a deep breath look.  The don’t loose it, it won’t change anything look.

The captain informed us that the airplane has lost cabin pressure and we were descending to get to a safe altitude, he said we were close and told us he was in contact with someone (I can’t remember who) to determine if we needed to land or if we could make it to Atlanta.

Things he DID NOT say: everything is alright, no need to worry, we will be fine, I know exactly what caused this, this happens all the time, we can safely land…

I began to shake, all over. Still gripping Keith’s hand.  I thought about how my kids would hear about this.  I wanted the kids to not just hear that my plane went down and we died, I had a desperate feeling to communicate with them one more time yet I couldn’t.  What is the point when you try to send a goodbye video?  

Though I felt out of control I wasn’t scared of my fate, I know Jesus and that means that when I tried to talk to Him in the moment I just felt peace but basically prayed, “God I don’t know what to say. Intervene. Protect my kids.”

We simultaneously grabbed our phones…I felt a bit desperate to communicate something that could be shared with our kids.   I typed “MO” then decided no probably not Mom…and then decided to text my dear friend some pretty confusing disturbing texts because they weren’t sending in the right order.  Handsome K was trying to open up his map to figure out where we were.  I sent a silent disturbing video that I wasn’t sure would send to some friends but couldn’t say anything.  I text my flight number, told my friend that she was my phone a friend that we had lost cabin pressure and if needed tell the kids we love them.  I text our babysitter simply asking about the day and to tell the kids I love them to the moon later they may realize these were my last words to them.  I had no idea if any of these text were going to make it through.  

Then I got a text back from our kids, “they said to tell you they love you to the moon and around the sun because that’s farter.”

I continued to cry and shake.

I wondered if someone was going to get up and start going crazy from anxiety…I looked down the aisle again, a few others looked like they’d been crying too.

Finally, the captain spoke and said we had reached a safe altitude that we could take off the masks. Then the stewardess, a sweet older lady with a thick southern accent, was saying “honey it’s ok, you can take off the mask.”  I wasn’t sure I wanted to…what if it wasn’t really safe.  She’s also paid to be calm, but I’m sure she was freaking out inside.

They said we were going to go on to Atlanta to land, which was our destination so it seemed that we were not in an emergency state anymore…but nobody was reassuring us that we were in the clear.  The people sitting beside the window had the shade down, and I so desperately wanted to see how dire the situation as we approached landing.  Did we have what we needed to land?  Would they tell us if we were going to crash?  What are the rules of the airlines?  

In the end, we were just fine and when our wheels touched down the entire plane let out the tension we had all experienced and applauded!  People immediately started talking and I knew that I was definitely not alone in the feeling of being out of control and thinking thoughts of the end of life.

I wasn’t scared for my future, just desperate to communicate something to my kids.  I didn’t really know what to think or how to feel.  My body responded through tears and shaking…I think because I was out of control and the unknown left in this life.  I know that Jesus died for me on the cross in my place for the forgiveness of my sins.  My belief that He is the sacrifice in my place began a relationship between God and I years ago.  I am confident of this and sure of what happens when I die.  

I know all of our days are numbered before one of them came to be.  I want my life to count to advance the gospel.  Am I living my moments with purpose and intention?  Am I living for something other than my own comfort and security?  

I want my moments to count…in what really was about 45 minutes of unknown I am thankful that I am certain of some things in my life.  I want to give my life away in the moments left on earth.  

God, teach me what that looks like and how to live my moments for Your Glory.

"Whatever you do, do everything for God's glory."  I Corinthians 10:31

18 years of wedded bliss

Each year I choose a song for our anniversary to speak to our season of life...here's this last year's installment...

Year 17-18

We’ve adventured together this year well through New York, CDA, Brundage, Boston, Canada, Indonesia, Singapore, China and even through my back surgery. I really do love life with you. Our kids are growing up right before our eyes.  The life God has given us is teaching them about normal Christian life…church planting, sacrifice, gospel goodbyes, big picture, higher call, our house and stuff is not our own.  When I say I couldn’t have planned it better it is so true. There are so many things to hope for and wait expectantly for…seeing God accomplish 21x21, working alongside the mission of God through Resonate Church, walking in our calling alongside each other, middle school kids (eek).

 You are so many things to so many…but what has defined us for decades is BEST FRIENDS.  Sure we are even more than best friends but very first we were best friends.  So here’s our song for this year…

“You’re more than a lover, 

there could never be another to make me feel the way you do.  

Oh we just get closer. 

I fall in love all over every time I look at  you. 

I don’t know where I’d be without you here with me.  

Life with you makes perfect sense…   you’re my best friend.

You stand by me, you believe in me like nobody ever has.  

When my world goes crazy, you’re right there to save me.

You make me see how much I have.

You’re my best friend.” (Best Friend, Tim McGraw)

18 years-It is hard to remember before “us,” not sure where I begin and you end in a lot of ways. You make me laugh more than anyone else, you believe in my potential more than anyone else…I’m your biggest fan with a front row seat to how God is using you to influence this generation-just like I believed he would do when I’d hear you get excited about visioneering and brainstorming in college.  You are the steady to my chaos, you are the spontaneous to my organization, you are the silly to my serious, you are the rhythm to my dance.  You think before you speak, you are intentional with your words.  We are opposite in so many ways which can drive us both crazy but really makes our lives so much better together.  

I could not ask for more.

2017 Reflections

I usually write a Christmas card letter…I just couldn’t get it done for some reason.  I have lots to be thankful for and as I continue to move through life I only know in part when one day I will know fully, as I am fully known.  We got to see some amazing things, we had great family adventures, we unplugged, we lead, we cried, we hurt, we healed.  Here’s where everyone is because I don’t want to have a year when I can’t read our summary next Christmas…so here’s the Christmas letter that almost never was…

Karson (11) my conscientious perfectionist-he’d play video games or read books about sports or trade sports cards with any of his free time as long as we would let him.  He is a leader who enjoys leading his siblings to construct amazing lego cities and star wars battles (sprinkled with his sister’s Lego princess castles in the battle for the universe).  He entered 6^th grade (middle school) and began learning to play the trumpet (which we’ve discovered is a very loud instrument).  haha  When he walked in the first day he was ready and confident.  We’ve had conversations about words and I’ve defined more words that I really want him to know…he’s flirting with the balance of culture’s way of living life and God’s best way of living life.  He is navigating friendships that are changing and little boys trying to understand the grown up world much too young in my opinion.  If I ask him what he is thinking he often says nothing, but every now and then he will be chatty and want to teach me all about what he is thinking about.  I love those moments. This year he loved the thrill rides at Disneyworld…the bigger the drop and the faster it went the better.  He acted like meeting characters wasn’t that big a deal but he was pretty excited to meet anybody from Star Wars and Big Hero 6.  He mastered the wake board this summer and continues to snow ski faster than I am comfortable watching him do through the trees. 

Karis (9) my joyful song-A 4^th grader this fall, she is my living doll.  She hardly ever forgets to change her earrings and match her outfit.  She can be alone with her imagination and creating colorful glittery projects while music is blaring and she is  singing along.  She enjoys volleyball and piano but really likes the time with her friends and her kind piano teacher…she is highly relational and loves people.  She has lots of friends and recently told me about a conversation at school where the girls were discussing if God makes bad things happen or not, to which she told her friends all good things come from God he doesn’t make us sin that’s our choice.  She hears from God.  I’ve prayed this for her since she was named, her middle name is Hannah, a woman of prayer in the Bible.  She is sensitive and caring and sees people, I mean really sees people.  She has women in our church she calls friends, though they are in their 20s.  She hasn’t learned her multiplication facts because she just doesn’t mind not knowing them, She doesn’t worry much at all.  She liked white water rafting for the first time this year and would say that meeting Ariel, Mary Poppins, Belle, and Tinkerbell were her highlights of Disney…though she also enjoys the thrill rides and the fabulous shows with singing and dancing.  She now wants to be a Disney princess and perform at Disney when she grows up.  We delighted in the sights at Glacier National Park together talking about God’s creativity for us to enjoy, but also really loved that Aunt Jana was with us!  During family dance parties she makes up her own routines and always has a costume change.

Karter (6) my rambunctious cuddler-He began all day school as a big Kindergartner this Fall.  He tells me all the 3 digit numbers he can add and all the words he sees that he can read; he’s pretty proud of his academic accomplishments.  His sister has taught him a lot in their many sessions of school in her room.  He continues to strive to keep up with his big brother athletically and closely follows with unending effort.  We went mountain biking this summer on a real mountain and he was brave through it all keeping up and leading us at times.  He lives life to the full with unabashed risk as long as he feels safe and in control haha.  His summer goal was to fish with real worms and he caught many fish doing so during our lake vacation.  He says winter is his favorite because he gets to sled and snow ski.  He jokes with sarcasm well beyond his years (where does that come from).  He is a happy helper when chores are issued and quickly adheres to the cause/effect world around him…unload dishes then go play.  He makes us laugh often and keeps us parents on our toes.  He likes music, but not the slow ones and has a surprising ability to sing lyrics to songs.  He does many fly by “pats” (hits) as he runs through the house (much to his sister’s chagrin).  At the end of every dinner he climbs up on Keith’s shoulders until we all are done.  Yes, not cool for much longer but we know this will inevitably end so for now we let it happen.  He likes riding his bike and played basketball this winter.  Karter’s goal at Glacier was to see animals and was not content with that being eagles or squirrels so when we saw big horn sheep and mountain goats that topped out his must see list rather fully.  He did not tire of the thrill rides at Disney and was often the youngest in line for them.  He was mesmerized by meeting the Star Wars characters and maybe a little worried when the storm trooper approached him.

Our church, Resonate Church, which Keith continues to be lead pastor, planted another Collegiate Church in Oregon and additional sites in two of our existing towns (in order to reach community outside of college students too) as well as one internationally.  Across our sites we have seen 140 people come from Death to Life, choosing Jesus in 2017. That is what life is really about…being asked by God to do the seemingly impossible and then God actually doing the impossible…choosing to use us along the way.  Resonate turned 10 in August and we’ve begun a look back over the first decade, filming documentaries we are calling “Only God”

part 1 https://vimeo.com/235370407

part 2 https://vimeo.com/240242345

part 3 https://vimeo.com/245768488

part 4 https://vimeo.com/251558027

…because we greatly recognize that we have lived through so many only God moments and it has been crazy to think and remember so many of them. 

We are on an adventure to plant 21 collegiate churches by 2021 here’s a video for that https://vimeo.com/230215942

Resonate was invited to share our story of our 3^rd generation church plant at a large gathering for our denomination…we have now sent a team to church plant that has sent out a team to church plant.

Possible only because of God, things we didn’t even know to dream about 10 years ago!!

Keith and Paige both turned 40 in 2017, so we ran our 2nd 1/2 marathon and lived to tell about it...we’d like to say we feel wiser and more mature but we continue to prefer late nights over early mornings…which we used to equate to being immature and wondered when we’d grow out of that…maybe we won’t.  We read something that said “How am I about to be 40, I still feel 20…but then I hang out with 20 year olds and I’m like no never mind I’m 40.” In some ways our environment keeps us young.  Keith mastered wakeboarding this summer, mostly motivated by the desire to not let our oldest kid outdo him.  Just kidding, or am I? Keith continues to spend free time researching golf clubs or playing golf inside our garage swing clinic or outside as soon as its warm or close to it.   In the summer, we had a car accident and this resulted in Paige having back surgery and has lived to tell about it and hopes to resume life as close to normal as before one day.    As our third kid began full time school, Paige continued multiplication beyond her biological kids to her spiritual kids, those in our church.  She continued to explore a great passion of hers, to invest into the lives of women in our church, namely those who are church planter wives.  Being able to spend time and lead our ladies has been a joy this year as this continues to be a group of women that expands.

What a blessing we count our days…we have rough days raising a tween and teaching our daughter about friend drama and our youngest to use his words not his hands haha but for as long as God sees fit for us to breath on earth we rejoice in His goodness even when life isn’t always just as we expect. 

We thank God with blessing us with these.

17 years

For each year of our marriage I write about us and attach a song to our year...here is the 17th edition...

We’ve walked through life as best friends more than we haven’t…we met when I was barely 18.  You know me better than anyone else and I know you—your thoughts, hopes, and fears more than I know anyone else’s.  I really like that intimacy, even though sometimes it’s so vulnerable and raw.  

This year has gone by so quickly…we have a middle school-er, a 4^th grader, and our baby is in kindergarten.  Where did the time go?  You keep our lives interesting and I love it.  You’re teaching our boys to become men and our daughter to be loved without strings attached or conditions.  Our church turned 10!! Remember when we nervously, with nothing but faith and a call, stepped onto that limb convinced we had to do…you’ve always been so courageous to run after what God puts on your heart…you were created for this!  Risking all but really nothing to lose when you know we are led by God.  We’ve been blessed to share God’s story of His church to 1,000s this year and that’s brought more adventures, some to even beautiful places that I won’t soon forget.  We’ve seen beaches, met the florida mouse, and spaceships, rivers and lakes…This journey continues to humble us.  I am sure that God’s favor in multiplying churches is bringing Him glory and changing lives; ours and our kids included.  

17 years…that’s almost the amount of life I’d lived when we met—I can’t see where you begin and I end in a lot of ways.  There’s a quiet confidence to our love.  It’s stood the test of some time through the years…we’ve fought hard, cried, we’ve apologized and we’ve grown up.  We have our recurring conflicts but they really aren’t often new things—we know each other’s tendencies, fears and weaknesses and when living in the Spirit this is the safest place to be.  You’re steady.  You’re unwavering.  You want to include me and our family in your life and not keep us separate.  You carry much weight, sometimes unimaginable weight of decisions and messy lives…yet our love grows deeper, sustainable and comfortable while sharpening us to be the best us. 

This song says a lot about love that lasts from 23-70, I’m here for you.  I have days where it feels as though I fall in love with you all over again…I’ll sit under the stars with you and dream and discuss our day and our kids and our life…it doesn’t matter who knows you or what successes or failures life brings…I’ll be loving you right where you are.

I wouldn’t and couldn’t ask for more.

Ed Sheeran, Thinking out Loud

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same