The Beginning of my Grandma's Forever

June 10-11, 2015

My sweet Grandma Beth is getting ready to meet Jesus face to face and see Papa after eleven years.  This is a mixed up sort of emotional evening.  Her blood pressure if fading…increased meds to stabilize stopped helping this evening…bp was 69/37 at 7:40pm…at 10:40pm is was 54/29, pulse oxygen at 80…she’s leaving this world.  When I think about her uncomfortable, confused, throwing up…I’m anxious for her joy to come quickly…when I think about her getting to fall at Jesus’ feet, I can’t even fathom.  But when I think about what I felt when I’d see my Grandma Beth’s car pull into the school circle to pick me up and take me to ice cream or when I think about sitting on her front porch swing with her singing kum ba yah my Lord, or when I think about her telling me “I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck,” my heart aches.  I’m just sad.  I had the privileged joy in my childhood to grow up in the same town as one set of my grandparents.  My grandma was always present.  It’s weird that Baby K, my youngest will never remember meeting her.  Never know her.  I cried when I received word that she was being taken by ambulance to the hospital, she couldn’t walk, her eyes were stationary and she wasn’t talking…I asked Handsome K if this is the end? That was two days ago. 

Makes me think what a vapor our lives really are.  I walked in and laid my hand on each of my kids tonight, watched them breath a few moments and prayed that I’m half the serving, generous, loving woman my grandma was.  Prayed that my kids would know how much I love them everyday, so they would never doubt that. 

For the past three years, my Grandma has often asked, “Where’s James?”  James is my Papa, who met Jesus 11 years ago.  But when my Grandma’s dementia would take over her safe place was where Papa was.  She’s asked my mom and I’m sure everyone at the nursing home, “Where’s James?”  They would tell her he died and she would say, “oh, ok” or “he did?” She’s never quit asking about him.  A few hours ago she asked my Mom again, “Where’s James?”  Mom usually tells her he is gone.  Tonight she told her, “He’s at home, he will be here soon.”  Mom said she just couldn’t tell her again.  We decided it’s true because Papa is at home in Heaven and Grandma will get to see him soon. 

I cried as I talked to Handsome K on the phone, seemed so childish of me but I wanted one more time to tell my Grandma, “I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.”  Why in the last moments would it be so comforting to say just one more thing to those you love.  I just wanted her to know again that I love her.

Mom and I talked at 11pm tonight.  Quickly.  I wanted to be with her.  Grandma’s life on earth is almost done.  Fading.

A little after midnight for me (2am in Texas) I got this text from my mom…

“Surrounded by your glory

What will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of you be still

Will I stand in your presence

Or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah

Will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

I can only imagine”

Mother is in awe of our Heavenly Father.

She is wrapped in the arms of our

Heavenly Father. She is at peace.

And now she knows,

"Where is James?"

As soon as I saw the first line I started to cry because I remember sitting in my grandparents dining room playing that song for Grandma when we searched and decided songs for Papa’s funeral.  I knew immediately she was gone.  I read it three times and sobbed like a baby…loud while rocking back and forth alone on my couch.  I deeply love my Grandma.  Her first name is Golden, and that she was.  It doesn’t seem real.  I know it is.  I’m grateful that I can be joyful in where she is now…no pain, no sorrow, no hospitals, no confusion.   But death is so final for us left here on Earth.  She is beginning the rest of her forever in the wee hours of June 11, 2015. 

Do I believe we will know people in Heaven just like we do on Earth?? Probably not because we won’t remember sin.  But I choose to think about knowing people deeply in Heaven.  God made us relational.  Primarily so we can have a relationship with Him and for Him to be glorified.  My Grandma’s life glorified God.

You’re right mom, she will never again ask, “Where’s James?” 

She knows.

I choose to visualize Grandma and Papa having a cup of coffee and singing It Is Well With my Soul together loudly praising our Heavenly Father forever in His presence as only those in Heaven understand.   While I’m back on Earth and looking forward to the day that I can right now only imagine.   

After getting back home I heard this song as if for the first time…it is a beautiful reminder that our time on Earth is so short really and our forever home is waiting for us. 

I hold your hand and watch as the sun slowly fades

Far in the distance the Father is calling your name

And it’s time for you to go home

And everything in me wants to hold on

But I’m letting you go with this goodbye kiss and this promise

I’ll see you in a little while

I’ll see you in a little while

It won’t be too long now

We’ll see it on the other side

The wait was only the blink of an eye

So I’m not gonna say goodbye

‘Cause I’ll see you in a little while

Maybe you’ll teach me all the songs they sing in heaven

Maybe you’ll show me how you can fly

And I’ll hear you laugh again

And we won’t remember when

We were not together and this time it’s forever

                                       (Stephen Curtis Chapman)

God I pray that I am a servant and love people deeply like my Grandma did.  Help me to be that with my life…no greater joy than knowing you…in life and in death.

Around the World

I recently had the opportunity to follow God to the other side of the world.
I prayed before leaving

that I would be ready to give an answer for the 

hope that is within me, easily and freely. That I

would meet university students that could speak 

enough English to talk with.

We arrived after two days of travel and I was ready

to have some conversations, learn about the

local culture and share with people hope and truth.

The first night I was at an English corner coffee 

shop....genius by the way, everyone there came because 

they wanted to better their English, they didn't really care what they were talking about.

I walked up and sat with 4 people and met some new friends.  It was easy and 

fun and they'd help each other in translating. The girl I connected most with was 

about to take her graduate school test in English! She aspired to be a written 

translator, but would have to start first with oral translating.

Accident?

I don't think so.

They were telling me about their new year celebration and said,"it's like

Christmas in America." 

Not exactly.

So we talked about Jesus' birth.

She said she liked to read, so we talked about our favorite books...about the most 

important book...the bible. 

She said "I'm very interested in hearing the story."

Ok.

We talked about God and how He wrote the Bible.

The cafe was closing, so I asked her if she would 

show me around her university the next day and have lunch. She said she would like to
do that. I gave her a short book about Jesus so I could talk to her tomorrow about it.

Many prayers for my new friend...when you wake up in the middle of the night on the
other side of the world because it's a different part of the day to your body, you have
some time to pray.

We met the next day, and spent all day together. I saw her beautiful campus, took pictures,

and laughed and talked.  I asked her if she read the short booklet I gave her, she said she

had and had some questions. Then her phone beeped and she said said we could talk

about that later. We were headed to lunch with some others and her friend was texting.

About an hour later, after they had ordered a massive amount of food for us to eat for 

lunch, she turned and said, "ok, let's talk about the bible."

Ok.

There were 6 people at lunch with us. I was able to share
the gospel with her...talking about sin, the cross, Jesus
dying so we can have a relationship with Him.  She asked
me if all Americans believe.  I said no.  Then she asked me,
"what do you get if you are a believer and what do you get
if you are not a believer?"

Great question.

Hope, peace, eternal life, relationship with Jesus, purpose,
reason for life. We talked about it all.

Or...

Separation from God, no purpose, confusion...

We talked about each of those things.  Handsome K and another friend with our

group were also sitting at the table and later said the other two girls were listening too.

Prayers being answered.  Getting to talk about the hope that is within me.

We had to say goodbye for the evening, but planned to meet again in a couple of days. 

We hung out again and we were able to talk for a few hours and of course talked 

about Jesus, her future, her boyfriend, her upcoming test and things she is concerned about. 

She asked me if I have a happy life as an American and as a Christian.  We talked about

how those are not synonymous.  I asked her if she had a happy life.  She listed the things

that are going "right" for her...boyfriend, school, promising career, 

not wanting for much...really college students are so similar. 

She told me she wanted to read more and learn more about the Bible.  We exchanged a way

to text with each other, she told me if I'm ever near again she would like to get together. 

We shut down the cafe we were in and my team was ready to head back to the hotel...we

waited for her boyfriend to meet her to walk her home.  She told me that after her test she'd

like to read the Bible.  (I made a mental note to bring that up again via text). 

We hugged and said goodbye.  We waved and walked away.

Sometimes it's weird for me when I know I will never see someone again that I have prayed

for and will continue to pray accepts Jesus.  It's weird because I think things like: "If I hadn't

gone to that coffee shop that night I wouldn't have met her."  "If she wasn't able to speak

such wonderful English we would have never had the depth of conversation that we were

able to have. It's weird because now I know her and our lives will continue on...but both

changed because of it.

This wells up in my heart the question...Am I being a friend that is allowing the Jesus kind

of change to happen in my normal life?  Am I the kind of person that is open to the Holy

Spirit moving and working in and through me and my friends?  Do my kids know a little

more about Jesus and life each day because we interacted?  Does my husband experience

joy because we interacted?

I went around the world and God gave me the gift of meeting a college girl to remind me of

being present where I am and looking for His movement in my circumstances, His words,

other believers, and converstions with Him in my quiet moments in a day. 

Just this week I asked my friend about the Bible, I'm awaiting her reply and pray that I will

get to one day hear her say that she trusts in Jesus.

My Regular Moments=Much of Jesus

As Handsome K and I prepared for our recent trip to the other side of the world (Oct 2014) we began talking to the little Ks about our plans.  All in the same time period when God was working me through a kairos moment...using my moments to make much of Jesus. 

How do I make much of Jesus when making Baby K lunch, when folding mounds of laundry, when taxing kids to activities, when doing regular things in my regular life? 

I began praying toward this in my moments. 

Regular moment #1-driving to school

On a regular drive to school 2 days later, I asked my Ks what I could pray for them today.  Princess K spoke up with a request, her class had changed seats while she was absent last week and she was really sad, enough so that she cried when she found out. She asked that I pray that God help her not be sad today.

So of course I prayed for her and we sang our morning songs on the way to school.  I remember Paul praying and the building being shaken when they did. Now the mini van didn't shake, but I believe God heard our prayers.

The day goes on quite regular.

Later, when I pick the kids up from school…the first thing Princess K said when she got in the car, "Mom, God helped me not be sad!" With the biggest smile and excitement in her eyes, she gave God credit for hearing our prayer that morning on the way to school.  For answering what we asked and for being real in our regular moments.

Regular moment #2-bedtime

Later that night, as I was telling Little K to close his book and turn off his light, he said something that surprised me.  "Mom, I was reading something that scared me." 

Looking quickly at the book title, I said, "What was scary? Tell me about it."

"It's about ----" (insert country we were getting ready to travel to).

Looking yet again at the book title, I asked, "Show me the page you were reading." While quickly praying for God to help me be truthful but not cause unnecessary worry, he then replied, "it's about earthquakes."

Unbeknownst (isn't that a cool word) to me I was preparing to visit a place that had a record in the earthquake category for a historically large natural disaster death toll. 

How do you tell your 8 year old about days numbered, not in control, sovereignty of God, not to worry, hope of Heaven, called to go but not promised tomorrow, temporary home...without making him fearful??

I do my best to not have to fix anything I've told him before (thus my whole struggle when he asked about Santa Claus?). To tell him truth but make it age appropriate without telling anything that isn't true.  I wanted to promise I'd come home to assure him I'd return free from plane crashes and earthquakes but we've all seen the movies where a parent promises and something happens, kid is bitter and angry and hurt because parent "lied."

I was torn.

I asked for God's help as I pushed forward in our conversation.  I chose my words carefully and said something like...no matter where we are in the world we aren't promised tomorrow.  We can experience tragedy anywhere, but if that ever happens we trust God to comfort us.  We are told to tell people about Him wherever we are, and I know that God wants me to go here and tell university students.

And then I added, "If I see or hear anything about an earthquake I will go the other way as fast as I can!"

We then prayed for safety and God to protect me from earthquakes. I reminded him that anytime he thinks about something scary he can talk to God about it.  He seemed to be peaceful.

My baby asks some hard questions.  As I walked away I said silently with my entire heart and a small tear in my eye, "Please bring me back and keep me away from earthquakes, and we will give you the glory for answering the prayers of my little people."

Regular moment #3-dinner conversation

After church the night before I left while we were having dinner I asked the Ks if they had any questions about where we were going or what we were doing. 

Princess K asks, "How will you tell them about Jesus when they don't speak the same language?"

We had a good conversation about "divine appointments" though I never called it that. We talked about the sovereignty of God, one of my favorite things.  We talked about how many university students want to learn English and will want to practice and will talk about most anything with us. And how God already knows the people I will get to say His name to for the very first time...the first time most of them have ever heard it. We talked about how to pray for those students even now.

So we did.

Regular moment #4-saying goodnight

Princess K told me she prayed out loud for us during her church class...for us to have a safe trip...we said goodnight and I went into Little Ks room, he told me he prayed for Daddy and she prayed for me and that she actually said, "I pray that mommy has a safe trip and her plane doesn't crash!"

That's real prayers.

Sometimes as a parent you say yes to God and after the “yes” you realize the implications on those you love. My kids were both a little worried about my safety, something I hadn't really worried about, but something that is a real concern for my babies when I'm away.  I'm excited to return and help them remember their prayers and how God has answered them in a real way.

Making much of Jesus doesn't have to include a megaphone or an awkward conversation, but sometimes it's simply recognizing His presence in the regular moments of our lives.

With all I do or say help me make much of you!